GOOD/BAD FILM CLUB: Batman vs Superman

by B Thornton- Harwood

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It is with no pleasure that this evening I induct Batman vs Superman to the GOOD/BAD FILM CLUB. It was a film I was hyped to see; Zack Snyder’s Watchmen is my all time favourite superhero film, so I had high expectations for his vision of Batman vs Superman, and I was also excited to see what Ben Affleck could bring to the role of an ageing Bruce Wayne. Sadly the film just failed in almost every regard. Let me break it down for ya.

Superman

Fair enough, I have no affinity to Superman. Never read a Superman comic, didn’t even get the whole way through Man of Steel. I just find it really difficult to care about an alien who can walk on the sun and come back entirely unscathed, because what is Batman realistically going to be able to do to him? Well, not much really.

It takes ages to get on with it

Hey, is there a single person out there on the internet that DOESN’T know how Bruce Wayne decided to dress up during the night and beat up bad guys? No? Thought not. So why-oh-why Snyder spent so long explaining this backstory to us I honestly have no idea.

Cut aways and dream sequences-

I was told in year 3 by my then English teacher, Mrs Hogg, that using dream sequences is plain lazy writing- yet here it is being used, in a major motion picture, with almost no relevance to the story. I’ll give you that they contain excellent action sequences, but mainly were a waste of time.

You ain’t no Chip and Yungen-

Serious bruff, what’s the beef? The Bat and the Supe’ have a common enemy, they’re both pretty smart. Batman is literally a detective, so why did it take to act three to work this out and unite? Speaking of which…

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Lex Luther-

God Jesse Eisenburg was garbage in this movie. I watched Zombieland a few weeks ago and he played the semi-autistic fella very well. He played it well in The Social Network too. He was in Now You See Me; a film about Magicians, that I have NOT seen, but educated guess is that he was playing the same thing there. As Lex Luther it was like he’d taken those characters and then had them pretend to be Heath Ledger’s Joker. Utter BTEC standard acting. Get in the bin Jesse.

Amy Adams-

As Lois Lane just single-handedly pushed the role of women in feature films back to this

Movie marketing departments fuck everyone’s shit up, yet again-

I had a huge problem with Jurassic World, because all the juicy bits of the film were fed to us in the trailers before we saw the finished product. Terminator Gynesis gave away a HUGE plot twist in it’s trailer too. And Warner Bros did the same here. The single most exciting thing about this movie was Wonder Woman coming to Batman and Superman’s aid. It could’ve blown audiences minds. It could have left nerds the world over sticky messes in their cinema seats. But nope. We got told about it in the trailer. Anticipated it for the first 2 hours. Watched it happen. Great. 

Why so serious? –

Not all comic book movies have to be wise cracking like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but if your movie is this flawed, please don’t take yourself so seriously. Oh, what? There was a joke? Oh yeah I remember it from the trailer. AND IT HAPPENS AT THE SAME BLOODY TIME AS BLOODY WONDER WOMAN SHOWING UP.

The Justice League set up –

So forced, so lazy, so pointless.

I’m not gonna be completely mean, there were good things too…

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Batman-

Ben Affleck was dope as a big grumpy old Batman. He’s got a great jawline/bumchin for it and his age, combined with size was completely believable. I’d be up for another Affleck outing as the caped crusader.

Afred-

Played by Jeremy Irons, (Sidenote- Jeremy once helped my mum on the Hammersmith flyover when her car broke down.) He’s very english, and a bit sassy, and probably a closet homosexual, and excellent. 

Wonder Woman-

1- she’s a complete badass with a sword. 2- she’s smokin’ hot. 3- she’s waaaaaaaaay more intriguing as a character than Superman, or for that matter, Lex Luther. She could’ve made a worthy enemy turned partner for Batman to battle against/with.

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I suspect this will still do well in the Box Office over the coming weeks, although that doesn’t mean it is doing the title Batman vs Superman justice. To have two properties of such high esteem should have been awesome, it should have been gritty and exciting, it should have been the cinema event of the year. But it’s none of those things. It’s like biting into a bacon sandwich to find there’s no butter or ketchup. It’s not offensive, but not particularly enjoyable. You know what would make it better, but you’re not able to remedy the situation, and when it comes to it, you certainly won’t be recommending it to anyone.

I think Sad Affleck sums up a large section of the internet’s thought on the film; a monumental disappointment at what could have been one of the all time great Superhero movies.

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