A Journey through Time and Space

Category: GOOD/BADFILMCLUB

GOOD/BADFILMCLUB: LA LA LAND

Sunday night I was struck with a feeling I’m not sure I’ve ever had before, I left the cinema and all I wanted to do was turn around, walk straight back in and watch the film from start to finish, all over again.

I’m putting it out there early doors, La La Land will be in my top 5 of 2017 come the end of the year. And I shall tell you for why.

Firstly it’s visually stunning. From the very first frame, the colours jump out at you, the camera dances around our central characters, it frames them beautifully in every single scene. The attention to detail is meticulous, and yet never distracting. The way the colour and light drains out of the scenery consuming the characters as a spotlight makes it feel like a theatre production.

Which makes sense, as it is an unabashed, all singin’ all dancin’ good old fashioned musical. A musical with numbers so bloody catchy I tapped my toe under my desk for the entirety of Monday as I listened to the entire soundtrack no less that 3 times. Granted, I’m a sucka for a musical, but goddam this really hits the nail on the head with the composition of the numbers throughout.

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The story is your classic Boy meets Girl. Boy and Girl fall in love. Boy and Girl fight… Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone play Boy and Girl (Seb and Mia, a Jazz musician and aspiring actress), which is where Director Damien Chazelle has played an absolute blinder. They’re a duo that can do no wrong.

Before we go any further the script was originally going to be Miles Teller and Emma Watson, and I can’t even begin to imagine how different this review would be if that were the case- largely because Emma Watson is fucking insufferable.

So, not only are Stone and Gosling both fantastically talented, they’re both utterly beautiful, and have charisma for days. You can just tell that they’re having a whale of a time working together. Their natural charm oozes from the screen whenever they are together. It allows you to be comfortable in their company. Neither performance ever feels forced, and they have moments together that are laugh out loud funny.

This further cements Gosling as one of the real talents of our time. We’ve seen comic actors transition to drama fairly seamlessly- Robin Williams, Steve Carrell and Hugh Laurie all spring to mind. But to pull off comedy you need a little more. That timing doesn’t come naturally or easily to most. Yet in walks Ryan, for his second role of the year demanding comedic chops (after The Nice Guys, which was criminally overlooked in 2016) and fucking nails it.

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It’s also worth noting that this is only Damien Chazelle’s third movie. What’s equally astounding is that his second feature was Whiplash. It’s clear that La La Land shares the DNA of Whiplash, but is the ugly, anxiety inducing bully of a cousin. His vision in La La Land of combining jazz and musical elements with just a simple, age old, yet somehow modern love story is something truly extraordinary.

I think where this film succeeds over all else is how such a fantastical, magical tale can be made to feel so real. Seb and Mia’s relationship feels real because their portrayal is just so earnest. None more so than their first date to the cinema.

This is perhaps the most sincere representation of what it feels like to be on a date and have butterflies swarming your stomach. It’s absolutely perfect.

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I’ve tried my darndest, but I honestly can’t stress enough how much I enjoyed this film. It’s flawless. Even if it does have flaws, I didn’t notice them because I was having too much bloody fun.

The only risk is you’ve now been told it’s terrific from too many people and it might not meet the extraordinarily high expectations. I was worried about exactly this. Even so, La La Land delivered.

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GOOD/BAD FILM CLUB: SUICIDE SQUAD

Here’s the TL;DR – this film lies deep at the bottom of the “BAD FILMS” pile. That’s saved you the next 1000 odd words and a trip to Odeon. It’s  a film flawed in so many ways I’m struggling with where to start. As tribute to the makers of Suicide Squad, I’m going to just write down the first things that pop into my head and hope that some sort of structure comes out. Maybe the pacing will work. Maybe there will be an overarching story. Maybe it will make sense. Maybe you’ll laugh. Maybe you’ll want to leave halfway through? Maybe.

 

I usually start by explaining the plot but I’m struggling a bit with this on account of how little it had going on. Instead, here’s what I think the Warner Bros producers meeting went like:

Our scene opens with two men in an office overlooking a Los Angeles skyline. They’re wearing linen suits in pastel colours, aviators, white loafers, no socks. 

Exec 1: How cool would it be if we took a load of Batman villains and had them make a team? It would be pretty dope having all these psychopaths together just tearing Gotham a new arsehole right?

Exec 2: I can dig it. Firstly we need an assassin with a dark past that hasn’t seen his daughter in years. Who could play that role?

Exec 1: Erm, Will Smith, obviously. Plus, he costs like $40 an hour now because he hasn’t made a decent film since 2006.

Exec 2: Good call. You know who’s smokin’ hot? Margot Robbie.

Exec 1:  YES! She can be the Joker’s girlfriend!

Exec 2: Dude, you totally read my mind. Let’s get someone who’s won an Oscar recently to play the Joker. No one will see that coming. What about Di Caprio? Or McConaughey?

Exec 1: [opening his hands like a name coming up on a big screen]…JARED LETO…

Exec 2: Hoe-lee-shit. Sold. Now lets get an alligator, an Australian, a Japanese chick with a sword annnnnnnnnnnd, let’s make Cara Delevingne a witch or some shit.

Exec 1: Perfect. Where shall we go for lunch?

END SCENE.

I’m pretty sure that’s how it all went down. The writers clearly gave not one single, lonely, shit about the coherence of the story. That’s perhaps what’s so infuriating about this whole 2-hour mess of a movie.

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This does look fun though right?

There are so many cool things you could do on screen with a group of baddies.

  • Have them hunt down the Joker, whilst Harley Quinn battles her own twisted love for him.
  • Have them play a game of cat and mouse with Lex Luthor who’s somehow escaped, at one point they cross paths with the Batman, who knowing they’ve got a job to do lets them get on with it.
  • Have them retrieve some new fangled piece of tech from Wayne Enterprises, each hour that they don’t return with it another member’s neck collar explodes.

Those are literally the first 3 things that came into my head when I got into the car home, and hate to toot my own trumpet, but all of them would have made better movies. So anyone at Warner Bros just HMU, yeah?

There are some attempts at comedy, a bit like Guardians of the Galaxy. Then there are loads of attempts at using a cool soundtrack, kinda like Guardians of the Galaxy. Then there’s a little heartwarming bit that shows the villains are human too, sort of like Guardians of the Galaxy. Do you see where I’m going with this?

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This is an example of an enjoyable movie.

It’s hardly cynical to suggest that the producers have tried to recreate some of the qualities that made Guardians so great. But it falls flat about 90% of the time. Then, at the same time, they’ve felt the need to keep the Nolan-esque dark and grittyness of the DC universe. The result leaves it lying in a no man’s land, confused at what it wants to be, struggling for breathe as the life slowly drains out of it.

Then we have Jared Leto’s Joker. Now, if this was a year 5 play and you saw overacting like this, you’d forgive it. I mean your kid is 11 years old, they don’t know any better. The only reason you’re there is because they’re your own flesh and blood. As a parent it is literally your job to be there, supporting your child, watching this horseshit. The thing is, I just shelled out £9 to see an actor who was paid $7million for his role, rock up and give a performance that is unworthy of a panto at the Wycombe Swan.

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BTEC Drama and Theatre Studies, mate.

I should give some positives.

  • Captain Boomerang was cool, I’d watch more of him, plus I’m kinda digging that choice in facial hair, could do with more boomerangs though.
  • Margot Robbie as Harley Quinn was interesting, annoying at times, but I guess that’s sort of the point. Also she has an exceptional bum, truly world class.
  • Will Smith was alright back in a tried-and-tested Will Smith action movie role.
  • Batfleck.
  • Some action set pieces were alright, I guess, although saying that I can’t remember any specifics.
  • Yep, that’s all I got.
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Cpt. Boomerang gets bonus points for being an awful bogan Australian.

I’m struggling to think of another movie I’ve seen in the cinema that I disliked this much. It’s laughably bad. Yet ironically, the only time I audibly laughed was when one of them refers to the rest of the gang as their “family”. Eurghhhh.

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Lucille knows what’s up.

I did a lot of sighing, and making guttural, yucky sounds with my throat. My eyes are physically tired  today from all the rolling they had to do over those 2 hours. Eye rolls, because social convention states I can’t just shout “oh, fuck off” whilst sat in the cinema at 5 minute intervals.

I believe this may go down in infamy with the likes of Batman and Robin or Battlefield Earth, as one of those truly awful movies. In 20 years time I can imagine looking back and laughing and how ludicrous it was that Cara Delevingne was given black body paint and made to writhe around in an electric vortex. That Jared Leto gave a performance as hammier than Tommy Lee Jones did as Twoface. That someone got paid to write this script. And above all that it was all done with a completely straight face.

GOOD/BAD FILM CLUB: GHOSTBUSTERS (2016)

Let me say before we start, I was very nervous going into this. Ghostbusters is up there with my favourite films, it’s got this wholesome, feel-good, sleepy Sunday afternoon vibe to it, that immediately slaps a shit eating grin across my face for the 90 minute duration. It’s a staple in the T-H household at Christmas, and it introduced me to the one and only Bill Fuckin’ Murray, so rest assured I was anxious over what the remake had in store.

Initially when I read the news of this most Holy of films being revived I screwed my face up into a snarl at my laptop screen. “You can’t remake Ghostbusters” I exclaimed, at precisely no one, “it’s bloody untouchable,” I continued in my fit of self-righteous rage, “it doesn’t put a bloody foot wrong, you wouldn’t bloody remake Pulp Fiction, or Back to the bloody Future would you?”
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Indeed much of the Internet has still yet to get over the fact that intellectual property has been recycled for pretty much as long as people have been telling stories. The most hilarious being the Reddit-dwelling, mouth-breathing neck-beards who refuse to acknowledge that 4 women could possibly be funny on screen. I guess in much the same way that white dudes in the old days used to think that negroes couldn’t possibly be trusted with a vote. Or that you couldn’t possibly dip McNuggets in a strawberry shake and it be delicious. It’s a simply preposterous notion.

That’s by the by because these ladies are funny. In fact half of the cast proved they were funny in 2011’s hit Bridesmaids. Incidentally that falls into the category of movie that Die Hard does: I’ll watch it until completion if I stumble upon it on TV, regardless of what point the film is at, or indeed what time of the night it is.

Back to the point in hand- I was nervous, because the original is a film that truly means something to me, and Paul Feig’s retelling, whilst not without flaws, was funny throughout, and similarly to the original, left me with a big fat grin all over my face from start to finish.

It’s hardly ground breaking in terms of storyline; but it did have enough of its own life and character to stand up by itself. Kirsten Wiig was awesome as per, Melissa McCarthy wasn’t too Melissa McCarthy, which we can all agree is a good thing, whilst their chemistry as a pair was reminiscent of Bridesmaids.

Then we have Kate McKinnon, who was genuinely laugh out loud funny, whilst being maximum babe. And finally Leslie Jones who had a tendency to overact a little, perhaps playing up to the big shouty black lady, a little like Kevin Hart plays the short shouty black guy, but overall was more reserved and funny than I expected.
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It was also self-aware. It took shots at the Internet bozos and the communal aggression that comes with an anonymous voice. It nodded to the original source material in well thought-out ways, the cameos made my face light up and on more than one occasion I literally squeeled with glee. There was also no completely pointless relationship subplot shoehorned in, and some of the gags were the same level of subdued, polished humour that made the original so flawless.
That’s not to say it didn’t have its faults. Some gags were WAY over egged; some were slapped on so thick they’d have the SPF protection to save a ginger kid with eczema; some were written for the lowest common denominator of the Mrs Browns Boys loving public; some lines were I believe stolen directly out of scripts Adam Sandler failed to get to theatres. But overall, pretty good. Not like really good. But, yeah, pretty good.

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Whilst I don’t think this will be added to my Christmas movie list any time soon, I don’t think it deserves nearly the amount of backlash it’s received online. We live in a world where films are remade, and we’ve just got to suck it up and get on with it, and whilst remakes will very rarely surpass their predecessors, if they give us the same warm fuzzy feeling when the credits roll then they’ve done an alright job.

GOOD/BAD FILM CLUB: Batman vs Superman

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It is with no pleasure that this evening I induct Batman vs Superman to the GOOD/BAD FILM CLUB. It was a film I was hyped to see; Zack Snyder’s Watchmen is my all time favourite superhero film, so I had high expectations for his vision of Batman vs Superman, and I was also excited to see what Ben Affleck could bring to the role of an ageing Bruce Wayne. Sadly the film just failed in almost every regard. Let me break it down for ya.

Superman

Fair enough, I have no affinity to Superman. Never read a Superman comic, didn’t even get the whole way through Man of Steel. I just find it really difficult to care about an alien who can walk on the sun and come back entirely unscathed, because what is Batman realistically going to be able to do to him? Well, not much really.

It takes ages to get on with it

Hey, is there a single person out there on the internet that DOESN’T know how Bruce Wayne decided to dress up during the night and beat up bad guys? No? Thought not. So why-oh-why Snyder spent so long explaining this backstory to us I honestly have no idea.

Cut aways and dream sequences-

I was told in year 3 by my then English teacher, Mrs Hogg, that using dream sequences is plain lazy writing- yet here it is being used, in a major motion picture, with almost no relevance to the story. I’ll give you that they contain excellent action sequences, but mainly were a waste of time.

You ain’t no Chip and Yungen-

Serious bruff, what’s the beef? The Bat and the Supe’ have a common enemy, they’re both pretty smart. Batman is literally a detective, so why did it take to act three to work this out and unite? Speaking of which…

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Lex Luther-

God Jesse Eisenburg was garbage in this movie. I watched Zombieland a few weeks ago and he played the semi-autistic fella very well. He played it well in The Social Network too. He was in Now You See Me; a film about Magicians, that I have NOT seen, but educated guess is that he was playing the same thing there. As Lex Luther it was like he’d taken those characters and then had them pretend to be Heath Ledger’s Joker. Utter BTEC standard acting. Get in the bin Jesse.

Amy Adams-

As Lois Lane just single-handedly pushed the role of women in feature films back to this

Movie marketing departments fuck everyone’s shit up, yet again-

I had a huge problem with Jurassic World, because all the juicy bits of the film were fed to us in the trailers before we saw the finished product. Terminator Gynesis gave away a HUGE plot twist in it’s trailer too. And Warner Bros did the same here. The single most exciting thing about this movie was Wonder Woman coming to Batman and Superman’s aid. It could’ve blown audiences minds. It could have left nerds the world over sticky messes in their cinema seats. But nope. We got told about it in the trailer. Anticipated it for the first 2 hours. Watched it happen. Great. 

Why so serious? –

Not all comic book movies have to be wise cracking like the Marvel Cinematic Universe, but if your movie is this flawed, please don’t take yourself so seriously. Oh, what? There was a joke? Oh yeah I remember it from the trailer. AND IT HAPPENS AT THE SAME BLOODY TIME AS BLOODY WONDER WOMAN SHOWING UP.

The Justice League set up –

So forced, so lazy, so pointless.

I’m not gonna be completely mean, there were good things too…

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Batman-

Ben Affleck was dope as a big grumpy old Batman. He’s got a great jawline/bumchin for it and his age, combined with size was completely believable. I’d be up for another Affleck outing as the caped crusader.

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Played by Jeremy Irons, (Sidenote- Jeremy once helped my mum on the Hammersmith flyover when her car broke down.) He’s very english, and a bit sassy, and probably a closet homosexual, and excellent. 

Wonder Woman-

1- she’s a complete badass with a sword. 2- she’s smokin’ hot. 3- she’s waaaaaaaaay more intriguing as a character than Superman, or for that matter, Lex Luther. She could’ve made a worthy enemy turned partner for Batman to battle against/with.

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I suspect this will still do well in the Box Office over the coming weeks, although that doesn’t mean it is doing the title Batman vs Superman justice. To have two properties of such high esteem should have been awesome, it should have been gritty and exciting, it should have been the cinema event of the year. But it’s none of those things. It’s like biting into a bacon sandwich to find there’s no butter or ketchup. It’s not offensive, but not particularly enjoyable. You know what would make it better, but you’re not able to remedy the situation, and when it comes to it, you certainly won’t be recommending it to anyone.

I think Sad Affleck sums up a large section of the internet’s thought on the film; a monumental disappointment at what could have been one of the all time great Superhero movies.

Jurassic World.

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I’m putting it out there real quick; I went into Jurassic World with relatively very low expectations. I wasn’t expecting Oscar worthy cinema, and after being fed about 90% of the movies plot from the trailers I was expecting this to succumb to the same fate as the 4th Transformers movie; commercially successful, whilst being utterly terrible. 

I love terrible films though, so it was kind of a win-win. And I won, but not the way I thought. It was actually really surprised with just how much I enjoyed Jurassic world. 

We’ve seen the previous films so you know what happens, and if you haven’t then shame on you. This 4th Jurassic outing follows the same kind of path, only this time instead of T-Rex theres a GM(Genetically-Mutated)-Rex on the loose. Cue Motorbike-ridin’, Indiana-Jones-lookin’, Velociraptor-trainin’ golden boy of the moment Chris Pratt, to save the day.

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It falls into almost every single action movie trope, leaving every scene completely predictable, or rather it would be if you hadn’t seen the trailer, but Pratt pulls most of it off well. The real thing that makes it all so fun is the CGI. 

It’s like really bloody stunning actually. The whole thing is so visually impressive you forgive it for it’s shortcomings in story and actual substance. Like Mad Max, it had me leaving the cinema wishing I hadn’t been so stingey and just gone to see it in 3D, because it was clearly made with 3D cinema goers in mind.

There are a two howling criticisms that I need to address, though:

Firstly, where are all the women?! There are literally four women that speak during the entire 2 hours. Only one of these given any prominent screen time and that’s just to be the damsel in distress, thorn in Pratt’s side and (spoiler) eventually snog him. 

It seemed so lazy to completely omit any other female leads, and particularly strange coming off the back of watching Mad Max: Fury Road, which had an abundance of really excellent women. In fact Mad Max was refreshing in that a typically “blokey” movie had such strong female characters driving the action; whilst Jurassic World as a family film, made it’s absence of women even more noticeable.

The next is a scene in which one of the young boys tells his older brother that their parents are getting a divorce. It happens on a monorail, and the kid cries for a while, then the whole thing is forgotten about and never mentioned again. The whole scene is (I think) supposed to show how the brothers relationship is pretty shitty, while also demonstrating the younger brother is somewhere on the Autism spectrum. But the whole thing felt forced and just plain weird. In fact it was bizarrely reminiscent of this scene in Tommy Wiseau’s The Room

I must also mention that Jake Johnson is (as usual) fantastic and hilarious in his small role, that I can imagine will be amped up considerably in the (inevitable) sequel.

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So to summarise-

Good: CGI, Jake Johnson, fun.

Bad: Cliches galore, lack of worthwhile females, could do with more swearing. 

The Room

This is the film that has kick started the GOOD/BADFILMCLUB. A masterpiece in awful, described by some as the Citizen Kane of bad movies, The Room is written/directed/stars/produced by/ funded and costumed (probably) by Tommy Wiseau, a man who’s ego is only matched by his massive throbbing erection of ineptitude at film making.

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The room is based around Johnny (played by Tommy) and his fiancé Lisa, who happens to be shagging his best friend Mark. Johnny is a real nice guy, a point that is really driven home by the 25+ times it’s stated by other supporting characters.

One of my favourite characters is Denny, a creepy wee bastard who lives downstairs, harbours a crush on Lisa, and supposedly has a drug problem that is so indispensible to one scene it is never mentioned again throughout the rest of the film.

In fact this is a running theme throughout The Room; Tommy writes scenes that for a moment seem to be of vital significance, before completely scrapping them, making no further reference to them nor having any impact on the rest of the story. Here are some examples:

  • Lisa’s mum tells Lisa that she has breast cancer;
  • Denny tells Johnny he’s in love with Lisa;
  • Mark gets lean and nearly throws a friend off the roof;
  • Denny is attacked by a well aggy gun-wielding drug dealer;
  • Johnny and Lisa’s friends come over to have sex on their sofa;
  • Mark shaves off his beard;
  • Lisa tells everyone she’s pregnant, and that Johnny hits her, which incidentally leads to the funniest scene in the film
  • But the winner of the Biggest-what-in-the-name-of-all-that-is-holy-is-fucking-going-on-in-this-batshit-crazy-movie Award goes to Johnny and his friends, wearing tuxedos, in an alleyway, throwing around a football. There are not enough exclamation or question marks available for the end of that sentence to visualise just how little sense this scene makes, before it is never alluded to again.(Sidenote: in the DVD extras Wiseau had been asked so many times about this scene that he brought it up. Although made no mention to the storyline and simply explained that when one plays American Football they should wear the correct safety equipment, to which my only question is, dafuq?)

As you can see, he sits well up there with Tarrantino and HST on the genius/mentalcase diagonal. Mainly because he spent $6 million of his own money on this film, presumably because he actually liked the end result as a piece of legit drama, which is clearly an act only someone as mad as a box of dicks would do.

There are so so many examples of why this film is in equal measures terrific and terrible, and I can’t stress enough just how funny it is, albeit completely unintentionally, the only way to find out for yourself is to watch it. Immediately. I’ve just bought tickets to see it in the cinema next month I bloody loved it so much.

Embracing a new bad habit.

I have a newly found bad habit; I think it’s been lingering in the back of my psyche for a long while, there have been indications over the years that I harboured this, perhaps I didn’t want to admit it to myself or the others around for fear of the repercussions. I cannot ignore it anymore and this fine evening I would like to come clean to the Internet.

I have a penchant for bad films. I know a lot of people enjoy the odd shit movie, but recently I just can’t stop. I can’t help myself. I’ve found myself going out of my way to watch movies I know are simply dreadful. So I guess I should start telling you about them.

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A few nights ago I watched Sharknado, and it delivers exactly what it says on the tin. “When a freak hurricane swamps Los Angeles, nature’s deadliest killer rules sea, land, and air as thousands of sharks terrorise the waterlogged populace”

 

From the start this was going to be ridiculous, and it didn’t disappoint. Within minutes someone had been killed by a stray Ferris wheel, a girl had taken her skirt off to use it as a tourniquet, and someone had exclaimed “WHAT THE HELL! THERE’S SHARKS IN THE STREET!”

 

I have an inkling that the producers made this ever so slightly tongue in cheek knowing full well that self harming movie fans and stoners would lap this shit up, and as such you get some cinema that’s so awful it does a Borris Johnson-esque 180 spin to become fantastic.

 

Here are some other highlights:

 

  • The amount of stock footage of the sea/ the streets of LA/ Sharks in the wild;
  • An impressively endowed lady who also happens to be a shark aficionado;
  • A Hummer equipped with NOS;
  • Tara Reid having two children almost the same age as her;
  • Tara Reid’s “acting”;
  • How badly Tara Reid has aged;
  • One of the best on screen deaths since Alan Rickman in Robin Hood Prince of thieves with the accompanying line “Mom always told me Hollywood would kill me.”

 

So with all that said and done, I’m looking forward to broadening my horizons in the shite-movie arena, as such downloaded and ready to be watched and subsequently reviewed are: Batman and Robin, Dinocroc vs Supergator and Battlefield Earth. I CAN’T BLOODY WAIT.

Keith Lemon: The Film. An accidental review.

There is a portion of the night reserved only for drug users, insomniacs and those who work night shifts. It’s easily identifiable by the automatic television switchover to infomercials selling you the very latest in tyre cleaning technology; or a roulette game presented by a twenty something drama school graduate, asking herself where she went so wrong as to end up on television in the middle of the night. (Sidenote: it was probably that semester you took ketamine every waking moment in a bourgeois attempt to fuck off your parents for sending you to private school. “Yeah” you thought, “this’ll teach them, for being supportive and catering to my every narcissistic need.”)

After a gruelling 48 hour stint on an essay it was proofed and printed, and I found myself in this formidable land where every indicator tells you “I should not be awake”.  I’d had a diet of chain smoking, caffeine and Gaviscon- to cool the acid reflux gurgling its way up my oesophagus. My brain had reached a point of delirium- I’d sank a bottle of vin rouge as a treat for finishing my work with hours to spare, and to help try and knock me out before handing the bastard in, by this point however it was only exacerbating the heartburn situation and giving me a giddy feeling in my already starved stomach.

At least I think it was the wine. When you’ve been taking Indian pharmaceutical grade caffeine tablets to keep you awake for almost two days a strong side effect is nausea, brought on by the suppression of hunger. This was combined with one of the side effects of sleep deprivation: hellish dreamscapes of spinning kaleidoscopic Word documents, raining down post-it notes all orchestrated by a publisher from Routledge screaming nonsensical quotes and citations every time you lie down and close your eyes, begging your body to just rest for a moment.

It was at this point I put on the Keith Lemon movie. My night can’t get any worse I thought. If I can’t sleep I’ll watch the only ever movie to gain a 0% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, that’ll surely cheer me up. It didn’t. On the other hand it did give me the venom and anger needed to write the most scathing review I could muster.

Keith Lemon: The Film is the worst thing I’ve ever seen in my entire life. An ensemble of d-list celebs, cock jokes and repeated catchphrases with little to no storyline that I could ascertain. The very basic premise of Keith Lemon making a feature film is flawed- In order to spin a TV series off into a movie you need strong source material, and Celebrity Juice is mediocrity at its finest. Ali G poked fun at our sensibilities towards urban youth, Kevin and Perry was about horny teenagers, for horny teenagers, The Inbetweeners (despite my dislike for the original show) was a coming of age story that anyone who has been to Magaluf et al. can, to some extent, relate to. I simply can’t comprehend who Keith Lemon’s film was made for, or why?

But Leigh Francis went ahead and did it anyway in what I can only imagine is a peculiar ego-trip that has since backfired spectacularly.

As a whole it is best summed up by this anecdote: I once saw a video on the internet of a bloke getting fucked by a horse; it later transpired that he died from internal bleeding. That video is less offensive than Keith Lemon: The Film. At least it didn’t feature Jedward.

Now, I had planned to write a list of things I’d rather do than watch this film again but it was too violent and sexually depraved even for the internet, so instead I give you a warning: I would advise anyone thinking of watching it to stab themselves in the eyes with rusty syringes beforehand to ensure they don’t have to witness the personification of anti-funny that this film is. In fact, if you watched this film and enjoyed it now would probably be a good time to excuse yourself from society, take a huge overdose of whatever you see fit, and go for a relaxing swim in the Baltic. For anyone else that hasn’t come into contact with this festering pile of agony, fear not, it is safely locked away in the ninth circle of hell, with Satan himself sat on top of the box putting lit matches into his Prince Albert piercing just to try and dull the pain of what he just endured.

@benjth11